


Thesmophoriazusae; or, How Sam Winchester Learned to Embrace His Inner Woman

by bluebeholder



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Curses, Dean Being an Idiot, Everybody Lives, F/F, Gen, Genderswap, General Preposterousness, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I guess you can call this a casefic?, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker, Rule 63, Sam Winchester is Not Amused
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 02:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4689449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebeholder/pseuds/bluebeholder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everybody Lives AU. Dean is cursed to become a woman. This wouldn't be a problem, except the curse is contagious...and people keep showing up at the bunker.</p><p>Sam thinks he might have to check himself (herself?) into a mental hospital.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still not sure why I wrote this. Warning for stronger-than-canon language.
> 
> Please enjoy all of the general antics and confusion as the boys ( _all_ of the boys) attempt to navigate the wonderful world of women.

It all begins when Sam hears a woman screaming. He bursts from his room so fast that he slams the door against the wall, still in only a pair of sweatpants, pistol in hand. There was no woman in the bunker last night. He has no idea what’s going on.

In Dean’s doorway Sam sees a tiny blonde woman wearing a vast, loose t-shirt (which belongs to Dean) and boxer shorts hanging off her hips. “Shit,” she says with great feeling, grasping at her less-than-flat chest. “Sam. I fucked up.”

It is all Sam can do not to laugh when he realizes that the tiny woman is Dean.

***

She’s not, as it turns out, that tiny. She’s five feet and eight inches tall. Her hair is a muddy blonde. She still looks like Dean, mostly. The mouth and eyes are about the same, but the nose is smaller and the jaw is softer.

There’s no doubt that she carries herself like Dean, with an aggressive swagger. However, she has already gotten into the habit of leaning all her weight to her left. She has generous hips. Sam reminds himself that he is a gentleman, and also her brother, and doesn’t stare. 

They measure her waist—Dean says she is just curious—and find that it is not as narrow as Dean had hoped it would be. It makes sense to Sam, at least. Dean’s still all muscle. 

When they spar in order to test out her new body, she knocks Sam over. “Afraid of breaking me?” she demands to know, grinning at him. 

It is when she punches his bare arm that things become worse.

***

Sam is much taller than Dean, measuring up at six feet and four inches. He—she—he?—is leaner than before, shoulders so narrow that everything in the closet hangs as if he is a coatrack. His face is rounder and softer. He finds, surprisingly, that he likes it that way. He is just as strong as before, but running is oddly difficult and sort of painful. This girl-Sam is not a runner. 

Dean, of course, laughs hysterically for twenty minutes. Then she finally takes pity on Sam to help him find out what size bra he should wear.

***

They call Bobby. When he arrives he scratches his head, swears, and begins to help Sam do research. Dean says that it was a statue that did this, a statue of a beautiful woman in a Greek style. 

When she brings out the statue, Bobby groans. He slams shut a book that is really nothing but dust. “Looks like a statue of Aphrodite. It’s a curse.”

His exasperation is reflective of how Sam currently feels. Sam pats Bobby’s shoulder in solidarity. His thumb brushes his neck. A puff of smoke goes up.

***

Bobby is a lean woman whose skin puckers around the seams. She continues to wear a baseball cap, but a gray ponytail is now tucked through the hole in the back. Her voice is surprisingly soft and as smooth as molasses. She laughs more now. 

Sam finds that he likes this Bobby. There is something wonderful about the way she is willing to embrace them both with open arms, something freer and happier about her. Sam does not want that happiness to disappear when they turn back.

***

Somehow, neither sister is surprised when Bobby reveals that she brought clothes of her own, when she heard what happened. 

She is a very fashionable old woman.

***

Dean bursts into the kitchen with a wild look in her eyes. “It’s not Aphrodite,” she reports, setting a book down on the kitchen table.

“Then what is it?” Sam asks, looking up from the laptop. 

Dean sighs and runs her hand through her hair, scattering the longer strands into her eyes. “It sounds like the Curse of Lysistrata.”

Sam closes his browser and leans back in his chair. “Dean. What is the Curse of Lysistrata?”

Dean pulls up a chair. “Okay, so it’s this Greek woman, right. She wanted to punish the men of Athens for being assholes? So she got all the other women together to have some sort of revolution…it’s a play, Sammy. Just go with it.”

***

Benny comes knocking at the door. He laughs hard when he sees Dean, Sam, and Bobby. “Well, ain’t that just somethin’?” he drawls.

“We’re gorgeous, brother,” Dean says with a grin. 

Sam butts in before they can keep flirting—or fighting—or whatever it is they’re doing. He bats his eyelashes at Dean’s friend. “Help us with some research?”

It seems that girl-Sam has some sort of charm, and Benny spends the rest of the day in the library with them, researching the extraordinary Curse of Lysistrata—on which there is, apparently, no information.

Only when Dean throws a punch that hits Benny’s bare cheek during a sparring session does Sam realize that having any men around at all may come with some problems. 

***

According to Dean, Benny is “built like a brick shithouse”. She is not as tall as Sam—only five feet and eleven inches tall—but she is deep-chested, with large breasts and wide hips. She is muscular and her smile is cheerful. Her dark hair is the same, cut short and beginning to go to gray. 

They have a difficult time finding clothes for Benny, and shopping is quickly in order. It does not help that Benny now feels free to flirt with every man she sees. Sam is beginning to become frustrated. These girls are not being very helpful.

***

Now Dean and Benny spend every moment getting used to their new bodies. They run. They spar. They make time for target practice. They throw javelins. They swordfight. They wrestle. Often Sam can hear Benny shouting, “Parkour!” from somewhere else in the bunker. At that, Dean will laugh loudly. Some priceless object will fall with a crash that resounds off the walls.

She likes to hear Dean laugh. She thinks Bobby does, too, because when the sound reaches them the older woman will stop what she is doing to listen closely.  
They are moving more slowly on their research every day.

***

It is only a matter of time before someone—everyone knows it was Dean, but does not say so aloud—prays to Castiel. He arrives unexpectedly, when they are watching a movie in the living room. For the first time, Sam is struck by how beautiful he is, but she does not say anything aloud, because Dean is quite obviously starstruck. “Hey, Cas,” she says softly. Her eyes are huge and Sam can see her hands trembling.

Castiel has to look down now to meet Dean’s eyes. “Hello, Dean,” he says gently.

In one accord, Benny, Bobby, and Sam make their exit.

***

They are all very careful not to touch Castiel’s skin. Ever. He returns the regard with a solemnity that is almost comical. 

***

The real curse that’s been laid on the Winchesters is that they never get the outcome they want. This time, Sam thinks, is no exception. 

“Yes, I recognize this curse,” Castiel says, examining the statue closely. “It is not Lysistrata. you would not be able to become sexually aroused had that curse struck you.”

Benny chokes on her soda. Sam very nearly does the same. 

Dean smacks herself on the forehead. “Aw, shit,” she mutters, “In the play all the women refused to have sex with the men. Shoulda known.”

“Well, then, what is it?” Bobby asks. “Tell us, you idjit.”

Castiel smiles. “The Curse of Thesmophoria,” he says. “That one is supposed to turn men into women.”

“You’re a genius,” Dean says, and her fingertips brush the back of Castiel’s bare hand.

“No!” the others all shout at once, but it is entirely too late.

***

“This body is marvelous,” Castiel says. She runs a hand through her hair, and stares at it.

“I could bench press you,” Benny points out. She is not wrong. Dean could probably throw Castiel now if she tried. Castiel is tiny, four feet and ten inches tall, and slender as a knife, arms slim and unmuscled, face rounded and soft. Her hair is long enough to pass her hips. But her eyes, shining bright blue with angelic Grace, are the only things to remain unchanged. 

Sam looks at Dean’s face as her sister observes the angel’s changed form. Dean’s face is open and quiet and joyful and Sam thinks with dawning realization, _oh_. 

***

Five women now live in the bunker. It is not any easier than having five men. Sam is surprised to find that they are just as temperamental and quick to anger as ever. They are still strong and they are still trained fighters. It’s dangerous when Castiel and Benny cannot seem to get along. Bobby might be gentler, but is no more patient with anyone. Dean is even more prone to sulks and sudden moods. Sam often finds himself the only one who seems rational anymore. He is tired of this curse.

***

The grocery store is a nightmare. Sam wears gloves when he goes out. He does not want to touch anyone on accident. 

He has to pick up hygiene products. None of the others will go on those errands. He remembers vaguely what Jess used to like. Bobby has a few other suggestions. Benny and Dean are surprised until Castiel points out reasonably that Bobby was once married.

Purchasing these…products…makes Sam feel vaguely guilty and ashamed of himself, until he realizes that everyone is seeing only a woman, and they don’t care. He still cares. He doesn’t think he wants to know what everything in the “feminine hygiene” aisle is used for. Nor does he want to buy it.

They do not switch to the “girly” soaps and shampoos. “Old Spice smells just as good now,” Dean says, and no one disagrees.

***

Honestly, Sam does not find being a girl much different. He is still hungry, still sleeps, still gets paper cuts from doing too much research. He still argues with Dean and suffers the stupidity of his fellows. 

On the other hand, Dean appears to be having a hard time. Something about being a girl has changed Dean. She can’t hide emotions anymore. It is as if being a girl made Dean forget how to pretend. She cries. Often.

It's scaring Sam. “Did you know?” he asks Castiel.

“She has always been like this,” Castiel says calmly.

***

They are not getting any closer to lifting the Curse of Thesmophoria. Bobby summons up Crowley. He appears in the circle with only a minor delay. 

“Hello, boys—wait.” The demon stops and glares at them. “You aren’t boys.”

“No, we are not,” Bobby snaps. She glares right back. “We need to lift this curse.”

Crowley smiles. “What curse? I think you’re rather attractive like this.”

Sam is grateful that Castiel steps in before Bobby can break out the holy water or something. “It’s the Curse of Thesmophoria,” she says.

The demon rolls his eyes. “If you’re going to have a stick up your arse, you’ll need to stab the idiot who started it with an arrow shot from the bow of a Scythian archer,” Crowley says. 

***

One day, Benny corners Sam outside one of the artifact storage rooms. “Do you see it?” she asks.

“See what?” Sam asks, trying to edge past. She is carrying a large box of bows and arrows back to the summoning room for Crowley to inspect.   
Benny sighs loudly. “Dean has a thing for the angel.”

Sam raises his eyebrows. “You just now figured that out?”

“Yes. I did, and don’t I feel stupid. So what are we going to do about it?”

***

They end up making a bet. Sam and Benny bet that Cas and Dean will get their shit together only after the curse ends. Bobby is convinced they won’t make it another three days before jumping each other. It’s a fifty-dollar pot. 

So far, it looks like Bobby might win.

*** 

As usual nothing goes right. Crowley makes one innocuous suggestive remark about Dean and suddenly Castiel is beating the living daylights out of him. Her. 

“Shit.” Sam is one hundred percent done with all of this.

***

Crowley is a fucking gorgeous woman. She’s about the same height as Dean, but not thin. Comfortable is the word Sam would use. Her curves have curves. She’s a renaissance painting with an acre of dark curling Lady Godiva hair. Just like when she was a man, she dresses well, though now it’s in designer gowns more suited for the runway than for the bunker. All, of course, are impeccably tailored. She’s even got Benny, who is possibly the straightest of them all, a little bit hot and bothered.

What’s worst is that she knows it. 

***

At the last count seventeen boxes of bows and arrows have been moved around for Crowley and Castiel to inspect. Benny has splinters. Dean is limp-wristedly claiming exhaustion. Bobby has vanished (and Sam can smell the bubble bath from everywhere in the bunker). Sam is the only one left carrying boxes. She is pissed at all of them, but she would like to be done with this, so she continues to search for the damn Scythian arrows.

“I think you missed a few,” Crowley purrs, reclining on the couch.

Sam throws a shoe at her.

***

The staring is even more obvious now that Dean and Castiel are such different heights.

***

“I want my body back,” Sam tells Benny drunkenly after three weeks have passed without a change.

“I get you, sister,” Benny says. She looks down at herself. “I miss not having these things attached to me…make it hard to sleep at night.”

Sam sighs and nods and drinks most of a bottle of beer in one go. In drinking habits, he is quickly turning into his sister.

***

Out of desperation, Sam begins trying to translate Greek texts he’s never seen before in order to find a solution faster. The situation is dire. Bobby now continuously smells like bubble bath.

***

In one of the old texts, Sam pauses for a moment over an image of Demeter, goddess of the harvest. She scans the text. Demeter is a vengeful goddess, Sam notes. Perhaps she cursed Dean?

But no. Demeter’s rage at Hades resulted in the bringing of winter. If Dean had been cursed by Demeter, the bunker’s air conditioning would have gone berserk. 

Sam sighs and turns the page. Not what she’s looking for here.

***

Sam is sitting with Dean and Castiel, discussing possible outlets of curse-lifting, when the rustle of feathers fills the room.

“Everyone all right?” the archangel Gabriel asks. “Or was someone just praying to me as a prank?”

“Weren’t you dead?” Dean asks. She looks quite unconcerned. Sam can’t help but agree.

Gabriel shrugs. “I was only mostly dead for the last couple seasons. You, Dean Winchester, make a wonderfully beautiful woman. Wanna go watch some Casa Erotica with me?”

“Uh…” Dean seems to actually be considering the offer. “Not…not right now…”

Sam hears Castiel growl and does his level best not to slam his head into the wall.

***

Gabriel is no more helpful than Crowley. “Scythian archer, yes,” he says, “but doesn’t it have to be shot from the bow of the same archer?”

“No chance you can bring us one, is there?” Bobby grumbles.

Of course there isn’t. The archangel is so unhelpful it is very nearly painful. 

***

When Sam and Castiel make dinner that night, Gabriel joins them to catch up on recent events.

“You know, the worst part of all this is that I’m surrounded by lovely ladies I can’t touch,” Gabriel says dolefully, sitting atop the kitchen counter.

Castiel laughs and slaps his hand away from her mixing bowl with a dishtowel. “Perhaps this was the Curse of Lysistrata after all!”

***

At Wal-Mart, Sam loses track of Dean. This is not unusual. What is unusual is where she’s standing when Sam finally locates her.

“Jewelry?” Sam asks, letting the cart rattle to a stop.

Dean does not stop gazing through the thick plexiglass counter at the rings and necklaces arrayed within it. “It’s okay for me to like it, right?” Her voice is thin and nervous.

Sam smiles. “Yeah, Dean.”

“Even when we get back to being guys?” Dean looks up at Sam, nerves written all over her face.

It’s the expression on his sister’s face that convinces Sam to spend extra that day on helping Dean get her ears pierced.

***

At dinner, Castiel cannot seem to stop contemplating the tiny silver studs in Dean’s ears.

“Just sleep together already,” Gabriel says loudly from the far end of the table. “I can practically taste the sexual tension. It’s ruining the food.”

Before Sam can do more than feel mildly horrified, Castiel has teleported in behind Gabriel and is slamming her brother violently against the wall. 

There is an explosion of feathery smoke.

Sam groans.

***

As it turns out, Gabriel is actually smaller than Castiel. She is skinny and cherubic, and her skin is dark. She will not explain why the skin-tone switch occurred. She is in the habit of perching upon Sam’s shoulders and tugging at her hair, or climbing up to ride on Benny’s back. Crowley threatens her with violence if she should ever try the same tricks on the demon.

***

“This isn’t my first rodeo,” Gabriel assures them all. “Everything’s together correctly this time, at least.”

Sam smacks Dean on the back of the head when she opens her mouth to say something. There is no guarantee that Gabriel will not decide to make things worse on a whim. Sam still doesn't trust the archangel completely.

“I had hoped you would be angrier,” Castiel says mournfully. “This was supposed to be a bad thing.”

Gabriel smiles impishly. “No way. I love being a woman.”

***

“I found the bow!” Benny screams out from a storeroom deep below the library. She thunders up the stairs holding a bow of ancient and nearly unidentifiable material, engraved with deep runes in ancient Greek. 

Sam could kiss Benny right now. Gabriel beats her to it.

***

The arrival of Rufus is an accident.

“Holy hell!” he exclaims upon seeing them all in the living room.

“Not exactly,” Crowley says.

“It’s just hell,” Bobby says flatly.

“For fuck’s sake don’t touch anyone!” Sam shouts from the kitchen where she (unlike everyone else) is busy translating the runes on the bow.

***

Rufus is more helpful than both angels and Bobby put together in translating the bow. Sam is incredibly grateful, even if the old hunter does do his damndest to get an eyeful of Sam’s new and obnoxiously perky chest.

“It’s sure supposed to be shot at the initial target of the curse,” Rufus says, paging through a withered manila folder. 

Sam is relieved. She tries to fumble her hair back into a ponytail. “Okay, so Dean, right—”

Rufus looks up abruptly. “But we have to get the right type of bowstring first, and this book doesn’t tell me what it is or where to look.”

***

Sam spends the entire day in the range shooting things, except when she’s in the gym beating the crap out of a punching bag. Someone else can handle this damn curse.

***

As it turns out research does get done without her on the case. A miracle at last! Sam thinks that with two angels around, it shouldn’t have taken that long. 

“We did find the arrows in question,” Bobby reports cheerfully. “Crowley called in a few favors.”

Sam is cleaning her favorite gun. “Good. And you found the bowstring?”

Bobby sighs. “Nah, we’re not that lucky…”

Upstairs someone screams. Dean swears.

***

They were playing poker when it happened.

Rufus is taller than Bobby as a woman, with a great deal of thick curly graying hair. She is lean and strong, hands still gnarled with work and years of hunting. She takes to buying more earrings than Sam has ever seen anyone wear before. She is actually more obstinate now.

***

The best thing about being a girl, Sam decides, is actually nothing. He hates every second of this god-awful curse. Finding jeans that fit is akin in difficulty to opening the door to Purgatory.

***

Rufus joins Bobby in betting against Benny and Sam. They’re not sure now who’s going to win, but Bobby still seems confident. Sam thinks that maybe she should change which side she’s betting on.

***

Dean has taken to spending half an hour in the bathroom every morning. She has solved the riddle of the blowdryer. Due to her mastery, she is now styling Castiel’s hair. They leave the bathroom door open. Sam is torn between gagging and laughing and cheering when she sees them. Castiel relaxes into Dean’s touch and Dean’s eyes are sappily soft. It is disgusting, but it is also cute.

“Finally,” Gabriel mutters when she catches sight of them.

***

Crowley has begun, by popular request, a masterclass in makeup application. On the one occasion Sam bothers to pay attention, she discovers that Crowley must be using witchcraft to make the damn eyeliner do the wings.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be forewarned that this chapter contains low-key discussion of menstruation, the ultimate curse of being a woman.

Sam makes Bobby go out hunting with him. There is a ghost two towns over that can be in and done. She needs something else to do.

“We touch _no one_ ,” he says over and over on the drive there.

“I get it,” Bobby says over and over every time Sam repeats himself.

***

The house is full of dolls. Sam hates every second of it. The poltergeist decides to start possessing the dolls, throwing them off shelves and making them scream and melt and set on fire at random. They also move when Sam and Bobby are not looking.

After the tenth jump scare around a dark corner Sam’s heart is racing. He and Bobby retreat for a tactical regroup.

***

“It looks like the ghost was some sort of crazy guy who collected dolls,” Rufus reports over the phone as Sam and Bobby sit inside of a little dive bar. “They never did find the body. He just up and vanished. And how are dolls scary, exactly?”

“They’re all haunted! Including the cabbage patch kids!” Sam snaps. He flings her hands up in the air and flails, even though Rufus can’t see him. “Have you ever been sucker punched by a creepy plastic baby!?”

Bobby just sort of stares at Sam. “Girl, you ain’t right in the head,” she says after a minute.

Rufus snorts. “Dayum, Bobby, you just now figurin’ that out?”

***

As is usual, they end up with more than they bargained for. Dolls appear in the windows of their motel room overnight. It is a terrifying experience, and Sam has experienced years in Hell. Obviously Bobby agrees that this is not a good night.

But Sam never, ever, ever wants the visual of Bobby streaking through a motel room again. 

Never. Again.

***

And then it turns out that there are other hunters in town.

Sam’s face is full of holy water before he can sputter out, “Mrs. Tran!?”

“Who’s asking!?” the tiny Asian lady demands, holding the neon green water gun menacingly.

“Sam! Sam Winchester!”

Garth pokes her in the shoulder suspiciously. “You are not Sam Winchester. You are too short.”

Kevin is doubled over in the corner, giggling.

***

The explanation takes longer than should be strictly necessary, but of course Mrs. Tran is prepared. “We can’t be too careful,” she says, outfitting Kevin and Garth in bright yellow latex gloves and teal infinity scarves to protect the neck.

They whine and complain, but Sam is just thanking god that someone else out there is sensible.

***

None of the dolls have moved since the quintet of hunters entered the house. Becky is waits in the car. She’s monitoring the exterior for activity with security cameras Garth set up around the perimeter before Bobby and Sam arrived.

“Ooh, this one’s a collectible,” Garth says, picking up a rhinestone-encrusted Barbie doll and tucking it into his backpack.

“Put it down,” Bobby snaps. “It’s a haunted house, boy.”

“Let him have it,” Mrs. Tran says. She peers around a corner. “We just have to find the body. It will be easy.”

***

That was, inevitably, the death knell. Sam ends up under a dogpile of china dolls, hair being pulled out at the roots by creepy little porcelain hands, before Kevin and Bobby manage to unearth the body and torch the poltergeist once and for all. 

“I hate being a girl,” Sam says, shaking her hands free of silk and lace. Her whole head aches.

“To be fair, that would have happened to you as a boy,” Mrs. Tran says unsympathetically. “You don’t seem to like practical haircuts.”

***

The other girls are excited to see them when they get back. “Guess what!” Dean exclaims as Sam trudges in the door.

“No,” Sam says.

“We think we’ve figured out what kind of bowstring we need!”

Sam stares at Dean. “You’ve got to be kidding.” How exactly did research get done while Sam wasn’t there to drive the train?

***

Explaining the Curse of Thesmophoria to Becky and Garth and Kevin and Mrs. Tran is not very difficult, although Kevin can’t seem to stop staring at Crowley. Crowley smirks and waves regally from the devil’s trap in which she is ensconced.

“She’s the one who kidnapped you over that damn tablet!” Mrs. Tran shouts, smacking her son on the back of his head.

“I know, Mom!” Kevin complains.

Gabriel raises an eyebrow. “Did…you just hit the Prophet of the Lord?”

***

Mrs. Tran donates makeup to the reserve after much cajoling from Benny. Sam does not think that purple eyeshadow works with Benny’s complexion, but it’s not his problem anyway. 

***

Everyone gathers in the common room, standing around Dean and Castiel, who are holding the string—a braid made of sphinx whiskers—and the bow respectively. The quiver of arrows is slung on Castiel’s back.

“Hurry up, idjits,” Bobby grumbles.

“Get on with your cupid act, little sis,” Gabriel says, tugging at Benny’s hair.

Sam holds her breath. Castiel takes the bowstring from Dean and loops it around the base of the bow and strains to pull it up, to string the bow.

“This is like the bow of Odysseus,” Garth says in an awed tone.

Castiel strains further, the bow quivering with tension.

There is an awful crack.

“Oh, shit,” Cas says.

***

The shattered bow takes up residence in the middle of the kitchen table. Sam takes to spending her time sitting there, staring at it hopelessly. Dean spends her time trying to fix Cas, who is inconsolable over the event. 

Crowley appears in the doorway with a plate of chocolate cookies. “Go _away_ ,” Sam says dolefully. “I don’t have _time_ for demons today.”

“It could be worse, sweetheart,” Crowley says, pushing the plate across the table to Sam. “You could be stuck looking like the vampire.”

“I heard that!” Benny shouts from the other room.

Sam hates herself for enjoying the cookies.

***

Benny and Kevin are supposedly sparring when Sam hears the yelling start up. She heads for the stairs with a sigh. 

Of course Benny just couldn’t keep her hands off, could she? And it was only a matter of time before Kevin’s libido got the best of him where Benny is concerned.

Mrs. Tran decks Benny. It’s a solid punch that sends the vampire sprawling. Bobby and Rufus applaud.

***

Kevin is a girl of average height, about five feet and four inches tall, with huge eyes. Her hands are steady and that makes Sam hopeful that she has another ally in the quest to break the curse.

She is suddenly shy in a girl’s body, wearing Sam’s old flannel shirts to hide her new figure. Garth is oblivious, consumed with Becky, so the only one looking is Crowley. Every time Crowley gets within twenty feet of Kevin, though, Mrs. Tran appears with her neon-green holy water gun. 

***

It is the middle of the night when Sam wakes up suddenly, wondering why the skin-on-skin contact between Benny and Mrs. Tran didn’t result in Mrs. Tran becoming a man.

***

Becky has great facility in painting nails. Sam tries not to scream in exasperation when she sees her sister’s newfound interest in this activity. They gossip while they are working. They gossip about Sam. It is disturbing on a multitude of levels.

***

“I think it’s because Mrs. Tran is already a woman,” Sam mutters, paging through the play again. “This isn’t just a random genderswapping curse. It’s supposed to turn men into women.”

Bobby elbows Sam. “What’s that supposed to tell us, then?”

Sam sighs and rests her head in her hands. “I really have no idea.”

***

It does turn out that Crowley has decent taste in moisturizer. It works and Sam likes the way her skin feels, even if she does smell like a flower.

***

Garth has a line directly to someone who knows how to repair bows. Mrs. Tran and Becky go together with the bow. Castiel and Gabriel coat their car in angelic symbols for protection. 

Sam doesn’t understand why Garth stayed until the library’s wired up on an internal net server, collecting all of their information on curse-breaking into one central location. 

“You’re doing fine, boy,” Bobby says proudly, observing the accumulating data. 

Sam completely agrees.

***

Things get real weird in the bunker when people start getting their periods. Sam is the last. She is smug about it and she does not care at all that the others are pissed.

Benny is laid out with cramps. Bobby might have cramps but just keeps soldiering on. Rufus gives grotesque, fascinating, awful descriptions of everything that happens to her. Dean gets incredibly weepy. Kevin seems okay on the whole, but becomes unusually bitchy. Garth hides in the storage rooms to get away. Gabriel, Cas, and Crowley seem exempt from this particular female requirement. And Sam discovers the joys of binge-eating chocolate.

***

Sam spends about seven hours with Garth in the library, scanning documents into the computer and working out alternate ways to break the curse in case the bow can’t be fixed. Garth ends up falling asleep on a table, mumbling about “my little pony” as he goes. Sam chucks a blanket over him—careful not to touch—and goes out of the room.

***

Benny is responsible for the next disaster, no matter what she says later. 

Sam hears Bobby yelling upstairs, where Benny and Garth were supposed to be working out the kinks in an issue with one of the hex bags. “No! No! Stop trying to seduce all the interns!”

“I do what I want!” Benny snaps.

There is a bang, and then a _very_ high-pitched female voice says, “…am I supposed to look like this?”

***

Garth is as gawky a girl as she was a boy, and the same height as before. Her hair springs out in all directions. It is bushy, and apparently attracted to Sam’s face. She is even louder than before. She takes to doing lingerie yoga in the living room at six a.m.

“It’s so liberating!” she says. “Sam! You gotta try it!”

Sam flees.

***

Two days later, Crowley, Rufus, Gabriel, and Kevin have all been roped into doing lingerie yoga with Garth in the living room. Only Crowley and Garth actually have any idea what they’re doing.

Bobby starts walking around with her eyes covered.

***

Becky and Mrs. Tran get back the next day. “we have the bow!” Becky crows, tumbling through the door.

Mrs. Tran enters more sedately. “It’s fixed, and to angel-strength standards,” she says. “The string is on, and not too frayed.”

“Let’s do this,” Sam says, rising to his feet.

***

The entire room is silent except for Dean. “Do I have to?” she asks, from where she’s standing with her back to the wall.

“Yes!” Bobby and Sam and Rufus and Kevin and Garth scream at the same time.

“Just do it already, Cassie dear,” Gabriel says. 

Cas sets into a firing position. She raises the bow and Sam’s breath catches. There’s power crackling through the air, Castiel’s eyes blazing with angelic grace as she sets the arrow to the string and draws back. Dean’s eyes are squeezed closed. Sam holds her breath.

In a blur of motion Castiel fires. There is a twang of bowstring, the whirr of an arrow, and—

“Ow! That hurts!” Dean yowls. She slides to the ground, an arrow protruding from her leg, clutching the wound. She is still a girl.

Sam has to leave the room.

***

Sam is talking to Benny and Gabriel in the living room. “I mean, I just don’t get it,” Benny mutters. “Why didn’t Dean turn back into a fucking guy? It’s not like we need her to kiss Cas under the mistletoe or anything!”

At “mistletoe” some kind of light, only slightly related, kicks on in Sam’s head. “Stop. Wait a minute,” she says, sitting up.

“Fill my cup, put some liquor in it!” Gabriel cheers. 

Sam waves at the archangel. “No, no, no! I think I just figured it out!”

***

Bobby and Rufus peer over her shoulders at the computer screen. “Look, in the play, the offended woman is a myrtle seller.”

“So?” Rufus says. 

“So if you cross-reference the Curse of Thesmophoria and Thesmophoriazusae with other mythological sources and Garth’s curse-breaking guide…” Sam taps a few keys. “…it’s obvious. We need myrtle arrows if we’re gonna break this curse.”

“Well. I’ll get on that.” Bobby sighs and scratches her chin absently. “Someone out there’s gotta have them.”

***

Sam and Bobby and Rufus end up summoning an angel. 

“Oh, what now—what are you doing?” Balthazar snaps from the middle of the summoning circle. 

Bobby folds her arms. “We need myrtle,” she says. “Greek myrtle.”

Balthazar peers at Sam. “…are you a girl?” he asks. 

It takes an hour before they manage to get Balthazar to stop laughing and actually be helpful.

***

Mrs. Tran starts to get loud. “You brought another man here!?” she shrieks. “What are you thinking? I thought you were the sensible one, Sam!”

“You,” Benny says decidedly, eyeing Balthazar, “are not hot enough.”

Balthazar straightens up. “What do you mean, not hot enough? I’m the most beautiful angel in the garrison!”

“No, that’s me,” Gabriel says cheerfully.

“And don’t say that in front of Dean. She’ll punch you ’cause she thinks Cas is best,” Benny adds.

***

At last Balthazar gets around to helping. “You need Greek myrtle, you say?” he drawls. “I think I can get you some.”

It is at this point that Cas walks into the room with Dean. They have to restrain Balthazar. “You complete ass! You murdered me!” he shouts.

Dean has to restrain Castiel. “Let me go!” she wails, falling to her knees. “I deserve to die!”

Sam has to restrain herself from overdosing on Excedrin migraine. 

***

It is less than a half an hour before Balthazar gets away from Gabriel and tries to off Cas. 

This does not go well.

Balthazar is a rather unattractive woman.

***

They have to go find the myrtle arrows. Mrs. Tran threatens to beat them if they accidentally start an epidemic of men becoming women. Sam promises to keep the others on the shortest leash she can.

Upon arrival on some Mediterranean coastline, all but deserted, they follow Balthazar toward a cave etched deeply into a cliff face. Rather deep inside, Sam spots a metal chest, half encased in stone. She heads toward it. “Hey, Balthazar, look.”

“Those runes are Enochian,” the angel says.

Sam wrenches the chest lid open with a snap. Inside are objects of precious metal and jewels, but what draws her eye is a hide quiver packed with arrows. She snatches it up. “Let’s go.”

***

They arrive back at the bunker’s doors with speed. Dean fumbles with the keys to the door and they pile into the bunker. “We have them! We have the arrows!” Sam shouts down the steps.

She gets no reply. 

“Where did they all go?” Dean draws her gun and peers suspiciously over the railing.

“Balthazar,” Cas says grimly, “what exactly was guarding those arrows?”

***

Lights are flickering around them as they make their way deeper into the bunker. Sam’s neck is tingling and she is waiting on something to jump out at them. 

“It’s a curse,” Balthazar murmurs, “I would assume that the guardian is connected somehow…”

They round the corner into the gymnasium and everyone freezes. The other women are sprawled unconscious against one wall: Bobby, Rufus, Crowley, Mrs. Tran, Kevin, Becky, Garth, Benny, Gabriel…and in the middle of the floor is a tall woman who glows with a strange light.

“Oh, the rest of you are here,” she says, pivoting slowly to face them. “Good.”

There is wheat and grass growing in her hair and vines twining down her arms and over her dress. “Who are you?” Sam demands.

She smiles. “I am Demeter, she who created your curse. I’m afraid I’m not quite done being entertained by all this yet.” She takes a single step forward.

Collectively, they bolt for the door.

***

When Sam wakes up Demeter is talking. Predictable. She’s a goddess and apparently the Winchesters pissed her off? Like, Dean’s casual misogyny finally got him into trouble? And then everyone else got hauled along for the sucky, sucky ride? Whatever. First point: Sam should have _totally_ stuck with the Demeter lead. Second point: she’s about five minutes from making them all women permanently and Sam is just not going to stand for it. 

“Where’s the bow?” she demands desperately in Cas’s ear.

“I don’t know!” Cas whispers back frantically. 

Demeter holds up the bow. “Looking for this?”

Sam sighs and resigns himself to the inevitable.

***

But it isn’t inevitable because apparently Crowley wasn’t asleep, she was faking. She stands up and snaps her fingers and everything goes to hell. The lights explode and _literal goddamn trees_ start growing out of the floor while Demeter and Crowley engage in an epic screaming match. Sam dives out of the way of a tree into a shadow and sees Cas hit the goddess from behind. The bow goes flying and skitters across the room to land at Sam’s feet.

“An angel, are you?” Demeter roars. She lifts Cas off the floor with one hand, the other hand glowing a sickly green in the dark. “I will teach you what it is to fear a god!”

Cas is choking and can’t seem to get any air and when Crowley and Balthazar charge at Demeter she just throws them away. Sam hears a sickening crack as the two hit the wall. Her heart is racing and she’s suddenly very afraid that they aren’t going to walk out of this alive.

That’s when Sam sees Dean, across the room, pressed back into the shadows. She’s stuck out her arm and is staring right at Sam. She points at her forearm and then at the bow. Deliberately, she nods.

At that, Sam swallows hard and picks up the bow. It’s already strung. She quietly pulls an arrow from the quiver as Demeter shouts about respect and treating women well while Cas is gasping for air and choking in the goddess’ grip. Sam nocks the arrow and draws it back. She sees Dean close her eyes.

Sam lets go of the arrow.

***

When the rest wake up, it is to find Dean howling in pain while Cas bandages him and admonishes him to stop screaming. Sam is attending to Crowley’s head wound and Balthazar is cuddling with the bow. They are all missing most of their clothes. Nothing exactly fits now and there’s really no need for any of it. Sam is positively ecstatic. She can’t stop grinning. Finally. She’s normal again.

“I never,” Bobby growls, “want to do that again.”

Benny crows about it, observing his male body. “Perfect! Back to the way the world loves me.”

“I’m not complaining,” Mrs. Tran says, eyeing the vampire.

Kevin groans. Sam laughs.

***

Two nights after they lift the curse, Sam hears someone knock at his door. “Hey. Sam. open up.” 

With a sigh, Sam gets up to open the door. Of course it’s Dean. “What do you want?” Sam asks, leaning on the doorframe. “I need to sleep.”

Dean hems and haws a bit before getting to the point. Sam has to glare heavily to make it happen. “Is it weird if I keep some stuff from when I was a girl?”

Sam rolls his eyes. “What stuff?”

“Like. You know. Earrings,” Dean says. He shoves his hands into his pajama pockets. 

“You will look fine,” Sam assures his brother. (His brother. What a wonderful phrase.) “No one is gonna care. Crowley is still wearing makeup and Garth’s still doing nude yoga. I’m still using that really flowery moisturizer. I think we’ve ditched a few gender norms around here.”

Dean grins. “So _that’s_ why you smell funny…”

“Oh, shut up.” Sam punches Dean’s shoulder. “What’s the other stuff you wanna keep?”

Dean turns very, very red. “Not stuff,” he mutters. “A person. Maybe…maybe Cas.”

Sam thinks his smile might very well crack his face. “There isn’t anything that would make me happier.” He pauses and amends the statement. “Except staying a guy for the rest of my life.”

***

Dean and Cas look very satisfied the next morning. Sam and Benny split the prize money they won from a grumpy Rufus and Bobby. 

***

Soon enough everyone begins to go their separate ways. Cas decides, unsurprisingly, to stay. Crowley is dismissed back to Hell, though he promises to visit soon and get Sam that awesome chocolate cookie recipe. Balthazar and Gabriel head off to find the nearest strip club with female dancers. Bobby goes back to Sioux Falls, and Rufus goes along. Garth and Becky have decided to get married before anything else can happen. They’re going to Vegas. Benny is going to buy a boat, he says, and sail off for other shores. The last ones to leave are Kevin and Mrs. Tran.

“Good luck with the rest of that artifact box,” Kevin says as he heads to the car. 

Cas boops him once on the nose. “They have me now,” he says seriously. “There will be no need of luck.”

“Promise me that you boys won’t do anything this stupid ever again,” Mrs. Tran says in parting.

Dean nods emphatically. “I swear. I really, really swear.”

“I will keep him on the straight and narrow,” Sam promises.

“A little less _straight!_ ” Kevin yells from the car. Mrs. Tran laughs and departs. Dean grumbles, but Sam sees him holding Cas’s hand.

***

They go down to storage to continue cataloguing artifacts. This time they all wear gloves and goggles and take their time with everything. Sam keeps Dean away from the majority of artifacts and makes him write stuff while Sam and Cas handle the artifacts proper. Only once does Dean touch anything even remotely sketchy, and it’s just a broken filter from an old fish tank that the Men of Letters were storing in this room for some reason. 

That night, Dean makes burgers and pie and they watch Sharknado and explain to Cas the finer points of why the movie is ‘so bad it’s good’.

It’s just Dean and Cas and Sam, and it feels right.

***

It all ends the way it began: with Sam hearing someone screaming. The someone is Cas this time. Sam bursts from his room, so fast he slams the door against the wall, still in only a pair of sweatpants, pistol in hand, to see Cas standing in front of Dean’s door with wide, wild eyes and a panicked expression. Sam has an awful feeling of déjà vu.

A bizarre-looking _thing_ emerges from Dean’s room.

“Shit,” it says with feeling, groping along the floor with oozy blue tentacles as long as Sam is tall. “Sam. I fucked up. Again.”

It is all Sam can do not to scream in rage when he realizes that the jellyfish-man is Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...holy crap. I did not expect the response this fic got. I'm surprised, gratified...oh, let's be honest. I spent the last two days literally bouncing around my dorm room squealing with glee. (I'm honestly shocked my roommate didn't try to move out with all the noise I was making.) 
> 
> You're all amazing. Thank you so much. :)


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